English humour

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— Will you tell me your name?
— Will Knot.
— Why not?

— What do ghosts serve for dessert?
— Ice Scream.

— Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
— No body.

A policeman pulled over a speeding motorist and asked,”Do you have any ID?” The motorist replied, “About what?”

There are three ways a man wears his hair – parted, unparted and departed.

I like your approach…Let’s see your departure.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together!

Don’t steal, the Government hates competition!

THE 10 MOST COLOURFUL ENGLISH PHRASES (GB)

1. It’s brass monkeys outsideLearn English, English phrases

Meaning: Freezing cold weather.

Origin:Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey’. A ship’s cannon balls used to be stacked on a brass structure called a ‘monkey’ – the brass would contract in cold weather and the cannon balls would fall off.

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Effective communication is “BRIEF”

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We send and receive dozens of e-mails and have tens of conversations daily. More often than not one needs to read an e-mail thoroughly several times before understanding the actions needed or despite carefully listening the ramble of someone misses the point of the conversation.

“43% of people who received long-winded emails deleted or ignored them.”

Be more effective in your communication by following the BRIEF rule.

Fast Company have created the following formula for better communicating your information and/or needs:

B (Background): Provide a quick context—what happened beforehand?

R (Reason): Explain why you’re contacting them now— why should they engage?

I (Information): Give two to three pieces of information. What are the three main points or bullets of the topic?

E (End): Decide what do you want to be remembered. Tell the next steps – you will do what OR you expect the other site to do what.

F (Follow-up): Try to predict the questions asked at the end of conversation or (as a reply to the message) and prepare answers in advance.

Read why less is more HERE.

Faulty upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 | Best reply to a relationship complain.

tech support joke, marriage joke, boyfriend joke, english

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

And the witty reply from the tech Support reads:

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How to become good at peer review: A guide for young scientists

This week I need to submit two peer-reviews for my university assignment. In doing so, I needed some guidance to make it better and I found this excellent article. Hope it helps you, too.

Violent metaphors

Peer review is at the heart of the scientific method. Its philosophy is based on the idea that one’s research must survive the scrutiny of experts before it is presented to the larger scientific community as worthy of serious consideration. Reviewers (also known as referees) are experts in a particular topic or field. They have the requisite experience and knowledge to evaluate whether a study’s methods are appropriate, results are accurate, and the authors’ interpretations of the results are reasonable. Referees are expected to alert the journal editor to any problems they identify, and make recommendations as to whether a paper should be accepted, returned to the authors for revisions, or rejected. Referees are not expected to replicate results or (necessarily) to be able to identify deliberate fraud. While it’s by no means a perfect system (see, for example, the rising rates of paper retractions), it is still the…

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Deciphering the 123 Most Common Business Acronyms

By Kat Moon

Ever feel like your co-workers—or, worse, your boss—are speaking to you in a different language? No, I’m not talking about your team suddenly deciding to conduct a meeting entirely in French. I’m talking about what often seems to be the language of the business world: acronyms.

While some of us have the guts to ask for clarification when we have no idea what’s being said, others of us cringe at the thought of asking potentially “stupid” questions. Well, to everyone in the latter group: Today’s your lucky day. We’ve rounded up abbreviations for the most commonly used terms that you’re likely to run into at work (or more likely, in an email).

Better yet, they’re categorized by department, so you can prep before a meeting with your finance, technical, or marketing teams. (And because we’re pretty sure that, regardless of your role, you don’t want to be the only one who nods with a confused smile when there’s a RFD because the CTR for your website decreased and a QA test is required by EOD.)

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GENERAL

BID: Break it down

COB: Close of business

EOD: End of day

EOM: End of message

EOT: End of thread

EOW: End of week Read More…

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