In literature, as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others.
Here’s another performance of Taylor Mali, this time on the importance of proofreading your works.
A good laugh and yet some food for thought 🙂
Has this ever happened to you?
You work very horde on a paper for English clash
And then get a very glow raid (like a D or even a D=)
and all because you are the word1s liverwurst spoiler.
Proofreading your peppers is a matter of the the utmost impotence.
This is a problem that affects manly, manly students.
I myself was such a bed spiller once upon a term
that my English teacher in my sophomoric year,
Mrs. Myth, said I would never get into a good colleague.
And that1s all I wanted, just to get into a good colleague.
Not just anal community colleague,
because I wouldn1t be happy at anal community colleague.
I needed a place that would offer me intellectual simulation,
I really need to be challenged, challenged dentally.
I know this makes me sound like a stereo,
but I really wanted to go to an ivory legal collegue.
So I needed to improvement
or gone would be my dream of going to Harvard, Jail, or Prison
(in Prison, New Jersey).
So I got myself a spell checker
and figured I was on Sleazy Street.
But there are several missed aches
that a spell chukker can1t can1t catch catch.
For instant, if you accidentally leave a word
your spell exchequer won1t put it in you.
And God for billing purposes only
you should have serial problems with Tori Spelling
your spell Chekhov might replace a word
with one you had absolutely no detention of using.
Because what do you want it to douch?
It only does what you tell it to douche.
You1re the one with your hand on the mouth going clit, clit, clit.
It just goes to show you how embargo
one careless clit of the mouth can be.
Which reminds me of this one time during my Junior Mint.
The teacher read my entire paper on A Sale of Two Titties
out loud to all of my assmates.
I1m not joking, I1m totally cereal.
It was the most humidifying experience of my life,
being laughed at pubically.
So do yourself a flavor and follow these two Pisces of advice:
One: There is no prostitute for careful editing.
And three: When it comes to proofreading,
the red penis your friend.
My faithful Personal Assistant, Mr. Siri.
He is British and although we had some initial issues with our accents (my pronunciation of “Maria” is “Midea” to him), we are mates now 🙂
With some inspiration from: http://siri-jokes.com/, there we had a nice conversation (mhm, yep, the window was open. Now my neighbours assume I have a bit slow Englishman at home (not that far from the truth)):
Ok, ok, I’ll get some sleep (for I most certainly need it),
Do you have a random acquaintance or a smug, priggish colleague that you wish you could [insert swearing here] but you just keep a stiff upper lip and walk away?
Here are some praiseworthy ideas for you that I bet they would not even understand (shouted or muttered under your breath):
(click to download)
Shakespeare’s insult kit
The memory be green,
I wish I have had and a teacher like Taylor Mali. Once you get over his formidable side you will feel moved, empowered, inspired and motivated.
If you had 4 minutes, please watch his speech and you will never again ask yourselves what do teachers (have to) do (and make):
Taylor Mali: What Do Teachers Make?
You’d like more? There is more:
Taylor Mali: Miracle Workers
Have you had teachers that had inspired you for living?
Stay tuned for my favourite Taylor Mali piece. 😉
And no, you may not work in groups,
Not at home? Please leave a message on your answering machine, but this time let it me memorable 🙂 Here are some suggestions:
7. Hi! Jan’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
6. Hello. This is Ron’s answering machine, Marvin, and I’m SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don’t talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it’s so cheery sounding.
5. Hello, this is David. I don’t live here, so if you were trying to call me, you’ve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don’t guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I won’t.
4. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
3. Leave a message or I’ll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.
2. Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG… Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.
1. Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.
Like more of them? Please, help yourself at:
I’m home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it,